Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇