Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’m not lazy
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…