I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound