I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The first matador
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.