Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
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I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
A leaf blower, but for people.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂