MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*