Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.