I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.