jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”