Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
HELP 😭
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”