This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
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What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
ready to be harvested
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML