“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
starting a garage orchestra
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns