*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
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Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.