Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
You Might Also Like
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*lint rolls you awake*
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why