The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
You Might Also Like
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?