While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
why I oughta
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
#CatsOnTwitter
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!