As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Breaking news:
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.