They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
want me to check your oil?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.