Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Yup.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.