Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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This kid is going places
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl