He a real one for that
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.