I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Selfie
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
stand with me against insufficient seating
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.