noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?