Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…