I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Blew out my flip flop…
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Squirrels before girls.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”