[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Facebook Twitter
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.