You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am