I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Art by Pastelkatto
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.