Thrilling chase underway
You Might Also Like
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure