Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg