If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.