You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?