Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use