The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
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[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.