John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour