Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
All generalizations are stupid.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
The pasta is now
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Realize this:
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.