Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude