Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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Livid.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine