[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.