The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Waiting for the Charmin
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.