You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My god she’s good.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Pickled cat.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what