Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”