doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
If you know, you know
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
this will hang in the louvre one day
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize