Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You Might Also Like
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Breaking news: