What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.