ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
White Castle for the Win
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love