They must have gotten it to go.
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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Everyone’s family
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.