me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Breaking news:
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no