It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
💁🏻♂️
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.