I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
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Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine